The phone rings and rings and rings and rings. You run down the stairs, your socks slipping on the wooden steps. “Don’t answer it,” your mom calls, but you’ve already put the handle to your ear.

“Hello, this is Stacy from Ameritech calling. Are you the primary account holder or is the primary account holder at home?”

“I’m the primary account holder,” you say.

“I’m sorry. But we’re looking for the person that pays the bills. Is your mother or father at home?”

“I am the father. My voice is high, yes, but I’m not a child.”

“Excuse me, sir. I didn’t mean to …”

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t make assumptions. I was in an automobile accident when I was twelve and it permanently damaged my vocal chords. As a result, they’ve never grown with me. Otherwise, I’m all man.”

“I’ve never heard of that before.”

“Well, now you have. No offense taken. Happens every time I pick up a phone. How can I help you?”

“Well, sir, we’re running a special promotion this month for new customers. Who is your current phone service provider?”

“New Bell.”

“And how do you like their service?”

“Well to be honest, Stacy, they offered us a special phone attachment like the ones you see on 60 Minutes. The ones that muffle your voice. You know when someone doesn’t want to be on the screen and they are in shadow and …”

“A muffler.”

“Is that the name? I don’t think that’s the name. I thought the name was something bigger like ‘Vocal Lowering Apparatus.'”

“I don’t know. Maybe New Bell has a different name for it. ”

“We’d like one of those, so when I answer the phone my voice doesn’t sound so high pitched. I’d like to not have to say that I’m not a child every time.”

“I’m not sure that Ameritech …”

“New Bell said they had one, but they never sent one along and I try to call them for one, but they always, well, they always think I’m a …”

click.

“Honey, who are you talking to?”

“Gotta go! Nice talking with you!”

click.

“Who is this?”

“Is this Stacy from Ameritech. Is this the primary account hold …”

click.